Where do Babies Come From?

An Inclusive, Anatomical Approach to the Talk Every Caregiver Needs to Have.

Every caregiver eventually faces the question and most of us weren’t given the tools to answer it well. In this episode, KeisaB gets into the conversation every modern family needs: how to talk to your child about where babies come from, in a way that’s honest, age-appropriate, and built for YOUR family’s story.

In This Episode

• Why the “birds and the bees” talk was designed to avoid honesty and how to do better.
• The case for anatomical language starting as early as age 2.
• How to connect the basics to your family’s specific origin story.
• A 5-step Builder’s Blueprint for starting the conversation.
• Book picks for LGBTQ+, donor-conceived, and non-traditional families.

Resources Mentioned

• What Makes a Baby — Cory Silverberg
• These Are My Eyes, This Is My Nose, This Is My Vulva, These Are My Toes — Lexx Brown-James
• Making a Baby — Rachel Greener & Clare Owen
• Zak’s Safari — Christy Tyner
• In My Daddy’s Belly — Logan Brown
• Tell Me About Sex, Grandma — Anastasia Higginbotham

Transcript

KeisaB 0:03

Hey, builders. Welcome back to the table. Keisa B here, and today we are going somewhere a lot of caregivers tiptoe around, completely avoid, or if you grew up like me, got very fast, very vague, very awkward version of it in the backseat of a car running errands with your little brother. Yeah, we're talking about the birds and the bees, or as I prefer, where babies actually come from, and how to talk about it in a way that actually works for your family. Because here's the thing, the families in our Q fam don't always fit the script. Some of our kids came into the world through co-IVF, like our family had their journey, or donor sperm and eggs, surrogacy or adoption. And some of our families have two moms, two dads, one parent, or caregivers who don't hold a gender at all. And yet the conversations we were handed as kids were built on one very specific kind of family, which means most of us are winging it. Well, not anymore. So let's talk about it. All right. This is a time I'm gonna share. Let me set the scene. I'm maybe seven or eight years old. My mom and I are in the front seat, I don't know, the '80s), and my brother's in the back, and we're running errands, and out of absolutely nowhere, she launches into it. No warning, no warm-up, no questions, just, "This is what it is. Don't do it." End of discussion. And I don't even remember what she said, honestly, mostly because I was too busy staring out of the window just trying to make myself invisible. There was no space to ask questions. There was definitely no space to think, "Hey, but what does any of this really mean for me?" It was vague. It was really uncomfortable, and then it was done. Unlike others, I also had a really awkward, like, sex ed class in elementary school, and which is really surprising to think about since I grew up in Georgia. But I've talked to a lot of people in the Q fam about their version of this, and the stories have all have the same imagery. Preachy, sterile school presentations, maybe a church lesson full of shame, a pamphlet slid under the door, or really nothing at all, just silence. And And honestly, it's just a lot of figuring out on your own. And here's what I know now. Our caregivers were probably just as uncomfortable as we were. They were passing down what they knew, and they didn't have the language, the framework, or the permission to do better. But, we do. So modern families, and especially our families, the ones that were intentionally built, the ones that had to nagate, navigate, excuse me, systems and decisions and choices just to exist, we are more equipped than any generation before us to have this conversation with intention. And that's exactly what today's episode is about. Having those awkward sometimes conversations, but with intention and what we can use to, um, help us do that because we're definitely never doing it alone. So let's start with a reframe. We call it the birds and the bees, but even that phrase was invented specifically to avoid being direct. The whole system was around avoidance. So the first thing I want to give you permission to do is drop the code words. Eggs, sperm, uterus. These are body parts and biological processes. They are facts. They are not inappropriate. And using them with our kids actually does something really powerful. It tells them that their bodies are nothing to be ashamed of. Research actually backs this up. Like some child development specialists suggest that introducing anatomical terms as early as potty training, so think ages one to three maybe, helps kids feel more confident and secure in their bodies. And the confident kids are more likely to come to you with questions instead of going to the internet or their equally confused classmates. So now, does using the word uterus mean that you have to sit down with your three-year-old and explain the full biological process? Absolutely not. There's a concept called age-appropriate disclosure, and it's basically this. You give your child the honest, accurate language, and then you let their questions lead the depth of the conversation. Parents.com does a really great job of actually laying this out. They put it really well. They say a three-year-old who asks where babies come from might just want to know how the baby got into a belly, right? They see someone, a neighbor or a friend, and they're like, "Wait, what's in there? A baby? How did it, how did it even get there?" But then a six-year-old asking the same question might actually want to know how it got there in the first place. Same question, different context. What's in there versus what, wait, how did it actually get there? Very different answer. But the key is start simple, stay honest, and leave space for follow-up. You don't have to have the whole conversation in one sitting. This is a relationship, not a lecture. And so one thing, again, I wanna continue to give to you and have you feel comfortable with and really sit with is that to be intentional and allow your child to lead this conversation. Okay. This is where I also wanna talk specifically to those of us whose families were built a little differently because there's a whole additional layer to this conversation when your child's origin story doesn't fit the standard script. Maybe your child was conceived with a donor. Maybe they were born via surrogacy. Maybe they were adopted. Maybe they have two parents that are the same sex, or maybe they are different genders and different identities, and it just doesn't fit that norm. Um, maybe there's just one parent. Maybe it's a blended configuration, and it doesn't have a very clean name. Whatever your family looks like, your child is going to have questions about how they came to be, and they deserve real, honest, loving answers. So here's a practical tip for multi-caregiver households. Before you have the conversation with your child- Have it with each other first. Get on the same page. Decide together what language will we use, what details are we sharing at this stage? How do we talk about the people who helped bring our child into the world, whether that is through donor, surrogacy, a doctor, uh, birth parents, what have you. The goal isn't to have a perfect script. The goal is for your child to feel that their story is something to be proud of, and it is, and that the people who love them they're safe to ask these questions around. One framework that I love comes from a book we'll spotlight in a, in a moment, but the idea is that every person starts from an egg and a sperm, full stop. That is a universal truth, regardless of what came after. And from that simple foundation, you can expand outward into your family's specific story. In our family, a doc- a doctor helped us put those things together. Or you could say something like, "Well, someone very kind carried you in their belly so we could bring you home." Simple, true, theirs, and you alls, and own that. One of the questions I hear most often is the right time-- When is the right time to start? Like, the short answer is earlier than you think and simpler than you fear. Most child development experts suggest somewhere in the three to eight-year range is when you want to begin laying this foundation, and here's what that can look like at different stages. So say ages two to four, you introduce those body parts, right? The anatomical way to say what those body part names are alongside everyday learning. This is your nose. These are your toes. This is your vulva. This is your penis. Normalize the vocabulary before the big conversation. And then age four to six, for instance, if a family member or a good friend may be pregnant or maybe you all are trying to have another kiddo and they notice, uh, the body's looking different, the bigger belly. Well, this is a natural opening. A baby is growing in there. A tiny egg and a tiny sperm came together to start making the baby. That's enough. And then ages six to eight, those early school age years where kids are already starting to hear things at school from their peers or what have you, who knows, you want to be ahead of the playground version. So expand the conversation. There are different ways families are formed, with a doctor's help, through adoption, through surrogacy, through many different ways. Maybe this is when you tell your story and type of language in a way that is loving and comforting and grounding in their story. A common thread here in all of this is that your child's curiosity can and is the guide. So tune in, follow their lead, and remember, you don't have to have all the answers in one conversation. Every question is an opportunity. So all right. Let's talk some resources because I am a firm believer that the right book in the right moment can do a hell of a lot to work for you. And there are some generally really good ones out there, um, specifically written with our families in mind. So the book that I recommend most, um, and if I could put it in every Q fam's house and home, I would. It's called "What Makes a Baby" by Cory Silverberg. It is designed for every kind of family and every kind of kid, and it covers eggs, sperm, uteruses, all the building blocks using simple, inclusive language that doesn't assume anything about the gender of the caregivers or how the child came into the world. It's visually engaging, it's honest, and it's child led, meaning it creates questions, and that's exactly what you want. So some other Q-fam approved books for ages three through seven or so is a book called "These Are My Eyes, This Is My Nose, This Is My Vulva, and These Are My Toes" by Lexx Brown James. It's about body autonomy and anima- anatomical language in the simplest and most joyful form. There's also "Making a Baby" by Rachel Greener and Claire Owen, and it covers multiple ways babies are made, beautifully illustrated and very inclusive. And then there's "Zach's Safari", which is a story about donor conceived kids of two mom families by Christi Tyner, and it's specifically written for donor conceived kids and same-sex families. That's a gem. Another one that I love is "In My Daddy's Belly" by Logan Brown, a beautiful affirming book for families with trans or non-binary parents. So all of these will be linked in the show notes, which live at qfamilyway.com or wherever you get your podcasts. It's easy to find and easy to share. And when they start asking for a little bit more as your child gets a little older and starts to really ask some questions that are more nuanced, these are excellent next level reads. One that's really funny is called "Tell Me About Sex, Grandma", but it's excellent. Um, that's by Anastasia Higginbotham. It's one called "30 Days of Sex Talks". It's really structured, very low pressure conversation guide for caregivers. And there's one called "Birds and Bees and More: How Babies Are Made and Families Form" by Sandra L. Corin, PhD. So yeah. Let that soak in, that you are not alone. I have talked to, again, many different parents, many people in the Q fam about this for years. And the great thing is, is that before maybe we didn't have such a playbook, but now we do. And I want to leave you with a simple blueprint, something that can help you because we don't just talk about things here at Q Family Way, we build it. And step one is to find out what your child already knows. Before you launch into anything, ask a casual question, "Hey, do you know how babies are made?" And you might be surprised. Kids pick up a lot- Starting from what they know means that you're not over-explaining and you're also not leaving gaps, which is a good thing. And then step two is use the real words. Egg, sperm, uterus. Body parts have names. And when we give kids the real vocabulary, we're also telling them your body is not something to be whispered about. Step three, connect it to your family's story. Once you've covered the basics, you can naturally lead into how your family was formed. Let it be warm, proud story. It's not a correction or an explanation. Just here's how much we wanted you. And here's how you got here. Step four, leave space for questions. So the conversation doesn't end when you stop talking. Check back in. Did you have any other thoughts about what we talked about? Keep the door open. You're building trust, not just sharing information. And step five, let them take the lead after that. You've planted the seed. Now follow your kid's curiosity. Every question they bring back to you is a win. So yeah. Builders, the fact that you're listening to this, that you're thinking intentionally about how to show up for your kids in these moments, this is the work. And that is the difference between the generation that passed the discomfort down and the generation that breaks the cycle. your kid doesn't need a perfect parent. They need a present one. One who says, I don't have all the answers, but I'm here and you can always ask me. This week's together work, um, hmm, I say grab one of the books I mentioned today, especially "What Makes a Baby", and read it together with your kiddos and see what questions it opens up. Then come back and tell us about it. Yeah, drop a comment, um, where you're listening to the podcast or at qfamilyway.com. Or find us on Blue Sky. 'Cause we want to hear your stories, the good, the funny, the, "My kid said what?" All of it. And that's the mix working the way it's supposed to. Well, until next time, this is Keisa B, and thanks for listening to QFW Parenting. Together, we can make anything happen. Be well.